Sleek here:
News that has been brought to our desk by our askari suggests that the Big Brother housemate from the dusty pearl is Sharon of Obsessions. Or formerly Obsessed Sharon, if you will. This is exciting on so many levels. So ekzaiting, as my Kenyan buddy would say. Here’s why:
Sharon can sing. We heard her voice in ‘Nod yo head’, ‘Mwekuume’ and all those other songs that the acting-cum-singing crew, Obsessions, churned out. Now we get to put down our cups of bongo and watch free shows. Thanks Big Brother.
An analysis of the songs this soon-to-be house-hold name has been in reveals that she has known for a long time ago that she would get this part. She did the 2Pac thing of dropping hints in her songs, telling us what is going to happen. Let’s finally listen to what she was telling us all this time:
Mwekuume: In this song, she strongly urges girls to save themselves. She was hinting, telling us that she was saving herself for BigBrother (BB). Telling us that we should not judge her by the crappy songs she was participating in, but to wait, since she was saving herself. Albeit a small hint, it wasn’t lost on our investigative team. The team also insisted that I add the fact that the ladies were nude in this video.
Jangu: Taking on a slightly more direct approach, here she urges BB to come. Jangu. Come. Translated, the playful song now tells BB, “Come and I take you to where they shake waists from.”(sic). We can clearly see that she was turning up the heat on poor BB.
Nod you head: Having moved him away from the madding crowd, Sharon now asks BB to dance. She shows him Ug dance strokes, asking him to nod his head. He allows to dance, to nod, his head glistening in the tropical sunlight with each up and down movement. Our investigative team saw all this go down.
Up and Down, featuring Nutty Boi: This is her latest song. She takes on a new personality now; ferocious, gritty, gyangster. Now sure she is a favourite for the BB shot, she now sings a tribute to BB’s dance strokes. Reminding him of his head movements. And also, very cleverly using that beautiful thing called double entendre, she slips in the fact that she’ll turn the BBA house up and down. (sic). After this, the team says it was hard not to give her the visa to Madiba’s land.
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Sharon, the cute one, and her buddies
Baz inna di dance: I have a slightly different opinion on this issue than Sleek’s. I also hope that Affande Kyalimpa’s rumour that Sharon Salmon Obsession is going to the Big Brother house is true. However, I disagree on one point. And I add two more.
a) The chick can’t sing. At all. Not even a little bit. In fact, her lack of singing is so bad that it is registered in scientific labs as anti-singing. It is a phenomenon recorded in negatives on the scales that measure music. She finds notes that don’t even exist when she sings. She is a virus that destroys autotune software.
b) The chick can’t act. At all. I have seen her on stage. It’s not pretty. The stage floor of national theatre looks up at Sharon Salmon Obsessions and says, “That was kind of wooden, babe.”
c) The chick looks hot as hell when she gets her make up on and has her little skimpy outfits out and starts wriggling her little ass. Connoisiours of such call that a knuckle-biter
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Salmon without makeup
These three aspects lead us to place her in the category of entertainers who are only good when there is no volume, so she can be brought to Big Brother to not sing, not act, and occasionally dress in something skimpy and wiggle aforementioned little ass. Oh Uganda, may God Uphold Thee.
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And after a makeover